Dengue-A(H1N1)-HIV/AIDS

My Blackhole

For a time, I was floating in my blackhole …. and it felt good drifting all along …. like it was home …

Pain is a daunting and an overpowering wave … like thousand pins pricking to the innermost and minutest nerve there is.  Yet too much pain is rather numbing … both to sensitivity and lucidity.  That without a grip it is always tempting to plunge to one’s blackhole.  Where nothing is felt … nothing is seen … nothing is heard … just drifting … floating … wherever the wave wills …. without care … lost in time …   

Yet, before I drown in that blackhole, I realized it was not a home … it was never really good (though it somehow drained the gush of pain) … it was not reality … it was just an escape … and i chose to wake up … I chose to stand my ground … I chose to pick up every piece of myself before i lose it all and shatter my own self respect.  It was not me for I am more than just a drifting log in a blackhole of falsity and painted reality!

In that experience, i thought I was alone … but the truth is, I was never alone … noone is ever alone … for the thing is I chose to embrace self-alienation. Yes, I chose it all … the blackhole and self-alienation … for I chose to let the fangs of pain drain all my sensitivity and lucidity; and willingly dwelt and lived on it.  I could have chosen otherwise.

Pain is real so I acknowledge it.  There are things I cannot change, yet there are those I can control.  Things I cannot change, I submit; things I can control, or to the least, somewhow direct, I act upon.  And for those I wish to be, I let go and let Bro.

Still, it is just a path to the jouney of life … with enough struggle, support and listening to the wisdom of others the blackhole remains an empty wasteland till now … for i chose to live with sensitivity and full lucidity …. combed my hair and put on my dusting cap to embrace the warmth of daily life …